2/18/2015
8:45 AM
Best advice fom njoki chege
Being a young female in Nairobi is tough. I
should know, I am one of them. Your life is centred on
your looks, the size of your posterior, the number of young
men pursuing you, the number of followers on Twitter,
the number of ‘likes’ on your Instagram photos and so on
and so forth. Because being a young woman is so hard, I thought I
should offer my fellow women in this age bracket a few
nuggets of wisdom on how to be the ultimate Nairobi
Chic. 1. Looks are everything: The true mark of the ultimate Nairobi chic is a sizeable
posterior. A big, round, firm butt is all you need to
succeed in this city.Your role models should be the likes
of Kim Kardashian and closer home, Vera Sidika. My
advice; work towards having a big posterior. Enroll in a
gym and do those squats. Take the stairs and maximise your gluteal. Do all these, because nobody ever wrote a song about a
small butt. To make sure your posterior is properly
exhibited for the world to see, ensure your dress code is
tight clothing.A body-hugging, sheath-like dress outlining
all your curves is best. While dressing up, please, do not
leave any room for imagination. It doesn’t matter if the tights are outlining your cellulite
and nether regions. That’s the trend and you are a trendy
young woman in Nairobi, desperate to keep up. To
complete your Nairobi Chic’s diva look, throw on the
weave. This should be at least 13 inches long and a
colour that sharply contrasts with your skin tone. Of course, there are other accessories like acrylic nails that
you must never forget.
Whatever you do, ensure that you resemble the Kenyan
version of Kim Kardashian; humongous posterior,
scantily dressed and wavy locks. 2. Go for a photoshoot: The competition in Nairobi is rife and you must keep all
the eyeballs fixated on you. Here’s how; enlist the
services of a ‘talented’ photographer and set a date for a
photoshoot. Ensure that you take the photos in the
revealing dresses that outline your curves for the entire
world to see how blessed and endowed you are. There is a new trend in photoshoots these days; it is
called ‘naked art’. It is nothing serious. It just requires
you to strip for the camera and take photos of you in the
nude. If you don’t want to go completely nude, you can
cover yourself up in a bikini or a Maasai shuka and just
show us a sneak peak or ‘peekaboo’ of your posterior. Also make sure the photos are heavily photoshopped. Let
the ‘talented’ photographer perfect his photoshop skills
on your imperfections. You must appear three shades lighter than your natural
black obsidian skin tone in those ‘professional’ photos.
Photoshop will make your skin appear smoother and your
thighs cellulite-free. Did you know that photoshop also
takes a few inches off your fatty waistline? Now you
know. Your professionally done photos must look completely
different from the real you, so much that you are
unrecognisable in person. Ensure you upload those pictures on social media,
starting with Instagram, then Facebook.
The idea here is to get as many comments of ‘wow, you
look so beautiful’ and as many ‘likes’ as is humanly
possible. People will judge you when they see those
photos. But don’t worry, they are just jealous of your voluptuous
figure. You are the only one with a ‘figure eight’ and you
must show them how blessed you are. 3. Social media is the centre of your universe: You were created for social media. Without social media
your life has no meaning. You must therefore be on all
social media platforms that matter: Instagram, Facebook
and Twitter. Instagram is the place to be and I am sure
you know how it works. My advice: Post photos of just about anything happening
in your life. Having cheap coffee? Instagram it. Cooking
dinner for your boyfriend? Instagram it so that all those
other girls can know that your man is taken. How else
will they know? Did he propose? Or you suggested he
proposes to you? Instagram it. Don’t forget to attach several hashtags to go with your picture. The idea here is to make other girls jealous. It is to show
that your life is more interesting than that of the rest of
us. You should elicit as much envy as you can from the
rest of us who cannot afford coffee at Java and don’t have
boyfriends. Still on Instagram, ensure you take photos of yourself
from your ‘good side’— you know, from behind — so that
we can all see that sizeable posterior that none of us is
sitting on. The more ‘likes’ you get on your photo, the
happier your life will be. 4. Join a cult: Nairobi is full of demons and you must exorcise them
every Sunday. What a better way than to join a cult?
There are many cults in town, like these contemporary
churches that start with ‘House of…” or “Jubilation…”? In joining a cult, ensure that the pastors are young and
hippie. The bishop must own a shiny four-wheel drive and
the female reverend —most likely his wife —must have
a weave that looks like yours.
Don’t bother with mainstream churches like Catholic
where you were born and raised up in. They are so boring anyway. Join a cult whose members are preachers by day
and fornicators by night, because, aren’t we all sinners? As a staunch member of that cult, ensure you get close to
the female pastor. You want her to pray for you to get a
husband like hers, rich and handsome. If not, threaten to
steal her husband. 5. Be a socialite: Never mind that the true meaning of socialite is “a
person who has a reputation in upper class society for
spending a significant amount of time participating in
social activities”.
Be the ultimate Nairobi Socialite. Attend classy events
like Masaku Sevens, Blankets and Wine, Koroga Festival and ensure you take as many photos as possible for
Instagram. For Masaku Sevens and Nakuru Sevens, ensure you take
along your boyfriend — that college sweetheart who
owns an expensive blue car — and canoodle with each
other in public.
The rest of us without boyfriends who own very expensive
and speedy blue cars need to see what we are missing. Of course there are other tips like developing a fake
accent, getting tattoos and nose-rings that I am sure you
know of. But I guess the greatest piece of advice I would
offer all of you is to cultivate an attitude of ‘fake it till
you make it’.You must perfect the art of pretending to be
who you are not, all for the sake of fitting in. Hasta la
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